In the wake of the Newtown tragedy, one of the big questions many of us have been dealing with is what to tell our children, and how to tell them. In this day of constant media bombardment, many parents feel as if they have to tell their children. How could we possibly let something like this pass without making sure we contribute to the free flow of media? We are used to it because it's the world we live in every day and even those of us who are old enough to remember life in a different way, often don't remember what it was like when we didn't have 24 hour cable news channels and the internet and smart phones, etc.
Another reason we feel we have to tell our children is the sheer scope of the tragedy. When things happen that are incomprehensible, they are just that. We cannot comprehend them. So our human nature causes us to want to repeat the story until it becomes real, because logically we know it is real. It's a way of making the connection with the facts that we know, and the emotion that surrounds what happened. But for many of us the closest people to us are our children, and so we repeat it to them.
The media is also telling us to talk to our kids, which is good. I am all for talking to your kids. I talk to mine daily! But no one is telling us that it's also ok NOT to talk to your kids about this. Of course, I don't mean in an unhealthy way. I am not saying that it is ok to ignore it, or avoid it. If your children have questions it is very important to answer their questions to the best of your ability, and to listen to what they have to say. But if your children don't have any feelings about it, or anything to say about it, or if they don't even know about it, that is ok too.
Last Friday when this horrible story was unfolding, I asked my 10 year old son if he had heard about it. He had not, because there was a big fight at his school that day. It was so large that the police were called to the school. He had his own day with his own events that happened which were, much like they always are, completely removed from my daily experience. I briefly told him what had happened. He is 10, so his level of understanding is pretty high. I told him that there was another shooting, and that a lot of children had passed away. I told him, as I always do when difficult situations arise, that if he had any questions or concerns he could come to me. Which he does because I have already fostered an environment of open communication in my household. And that's it. We haven't said another thing about it. And there is nothing wrong with that.
For each child it is going to be different. There is no one way to do anything when it comes to raising kids. But each child is going to process information and react to it differently based on their age, personality, and maturity level. The key is to be in tune enough with your children to know where they are in these things. For example, my son is 10, but he is a mature 10. He has always had an innate understanding of certain things. I know that he could handle a little more information about a difficult subject than some other 10 year olds. I know that if I had to talk to him about something like this, we would have had an open and honest conversation.
But in this, I also have to keep in mind that he is 10. He is at a stage in his development that is naturally very self centered. It has been hard to watch my conscientious little boy turn into a self centered pre-teen, but it is natural. He has approached a stage in his development where he is making the first of many attempts to figure out his identity. He is figuring out who he is, and where he fits in the world. As much as it annoys me, right now his life is all about him. He is not going to care so much about some tragedy that happened to people he does not know in a place where he has never been. And that is ok. It is a part of normative development.
Perhaps one day when he is a little older, he will hear about it again, and then he will have some questions. When he reaches a different stage of development where his perception opens up to the world outside himself, he may want to talk about it. He may not.
But I think what is most important is not how you react to specific situations when it comes to your kids, but how you set the stage on a daily basis. I did not feel a lot of anxiety about how to speak to my son because I am already confident that I have set the stage for open and honest conversations no matter what the situation.
Just remember, there is no such thing as a perfect parent. We have things that we remember about our own childhoods in which our parents might have made some bad choices, and our children will have those same kinds of memories. What is most important for kids is that they know they are loved, supported, and protected.
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