Shootings, storms, and fiscal cliffs. Christmas is over and it's back to "life as usual". But I am sure I am not the only one who noticed that people were not really feeling the Christmas spirit this year. Things were psychologically heavy this year, more so than I can recall in my lifetime. I think that no matter how much you shelter yourself from the events in the world today, there's just no escaping the feelings of despair and uncertainty that are in the air these days.
I, for one was hoping for something dramatic on December 21st. Not something catastrophic that causes loss of life, but some...thing. Some change. Something that would cause people to stop living in the little bubbles they have built around themselves and relearn to live together as communities. A situation where people relearn empathy, and what it's like to help instead of hurt. But as the day drew nearer, I realized that not only was there going to be no big change for the better, but the world appears to be getting worse.
On December 24th, my area became one of the many national headlines about a crazed shooter taking lives for no real definable reason. A guy in his 60's by the name of Spengler decided to set a trap for first responders by setting his house on fire. When they arrived he hid out and shot 4 of them sniper style. 2 of them died. Because it was not safe for firefighters to enter the scene for quite some time, the fire was left to rage, out of control for an extended period. In the end 7 homes were destroyed, and Spengler's sister's body was found in the house where the fire originated, which they shared. A letter that Spengler left behind states that this was a trap and it was all a plan designed to kill as many people as possible. He was found dead on the beach from a self inflicted gun shot wound.
Our society has been breeding these people who have a goal of hurting as many of their fellow humans as possible in the most profound of ways, I think that the problem has existed for years, and we are just now seeing the result. The accumulation of an uncaring society where money rules all. A society where people are so low on our list of values that those who are so obviously sick are left alone to become lost in their own damaged minds until all they can see is death and destruction.
So the Mayan calendar was wrong (or rather our interpretation of it was), but does that mean that we are going to give up on change? It is as if we are in some kind of collective depression, and I will be interested to see how this all plays out for 2013. I think that many of us are ready to let 2012 go, but we fear what is ahead of us and only time will tell which way the pendulum will swing.
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
Thursday, December 20, 2012
Talking to Children About Tragedy
In the wake of the Newtown tragedy, one of the big questions many of us have been dealing with is what to tell our children, and how to tell them. In this day of constant media bombardment, many parents feel as if they have to tell their children. How could we possibly let something like this pass without making sure we contribute to the free flow of media? We are used to it because it's the world we live in every day and even those of us who are old enough to remember life in a different way, often don't remember what it was like when we didn't have 24 hour cable news channels and the internet and smart phones, etc.
Another reason we feel we have to tell our children is the sheer scope of the tragedy. When things happen that are incomprehensible, they are just that. We cannot comprehend them. So our human nature causes us to want to repeat the story until it becomes real, because logically we know it is real. It's a way of making the connection with the facts that we know, and the emotion that surrounds what happened. But for many of us the closest people to us are our children, and so we repeat it to them.
The media is also telling us to talk to our kids, which is good. I am all for talking to your kids. I talk to mine daily! But no one is telling us that it's also ok NOT to talk to your kids about this. Of course, I don't mean in an unhealthy way. I am not saying that it is ok to ignore it, or avoid it. If your children have questions it is very important to answer their questions to the best of your ability, and to listen to what they have to say. But if your children don't have any feelings about it, or anything to say about it, or if they don't even know about it, that is ok too.
Last Friday when this horrible story was unfolding, I asked my 10 year old son if he had heard about it. He had not, because there was a big fight at his school that day. It was so large that the police were called to the school. He had his own day with his own events that happened which were, much like they always are, completely removed from my daily experience. I briefly told him what had happened. He is 10, so his level of understanding is pretty high. I told him that there was another shooting, and that a lot of children had passed away. I told him, as I always do when difficult situations arise, that if he had any questions or concerns he could come to me. Which he does because I have already fostered an environment of open communication in my household. And that's it. We haven't said another thing about it. And there is nothing wrong with that.
For each child it is going to be different. There is no one way to do anything when it comes to raising kids. But each child is going to process information and react to it differently based on their age, personality, and maturity level. The key is to be in tune enough with your children to know where they are in these things. For example, my son is 10, but he is a mature 10. He has always had an innate understanding of certain things. I know that he could handle a little more information about a difficult subject than some other 10 year olds. I know that if I had to talk to him about something like this, we would have had an open and honest conversation.
But in this, I also have to keep in mind that he is 10. He is at a stage in his development that is naturally very self centered. It has been hard to watch my conscientious little boy turn into a self centered pre-teen, but it is natural. He has approached a stage in his development where he is making the first of many attempts to figure out his identity. He is figuring out who he is, and where he fits in the world. As much as it annoys me, right now his life is all about him. He is not going to care so much about some tragedy that happened to people he does not know in a place where he has never been. And that is ok. It is a part of normative development.
Perhaps one day when he is a little older, he will hear about it again, and then he will have some questions. When he reaches a different stage of development where his perception opens up to the world outside himself, he may want to talk about it. He may not.
But I think what is most important is not how you react to specific situations when it comes to your kids, but how you set the stage on a daily basis. I did not feel a lot of anxiety about how to speak to my son because I am already confident that I have set the stage for open and honest conversations no matter what the situation.
Just remember, there is no such thing as a perfect parent. We have things that we remember about our own childhoods in which our parents might have made some bad choices, and our children will have those same kinds of memories. What is most important for kids is that they know they are loved, supported, and protected.
Another reason we feel we have to tell our children is the sheer scope of the tragedy. When things happen that are incomprehensible, they are just that. We cannot comprehend them. So our human nature causes us to want to repeat the story until it becomes real, because logically we know it is real. It's a way of making the connection with the facts that we know, and the emotion that surrounds what happened. But for many of us the closest people to us are our children, and so we repeat it to them.
The media is also telling us to talk to our kids, which is good. I am all for talking to your kids. I talk to mine daily! But no one is telling us that it's also ok NOT to talk to your kids about this. Of course, I don't mean in an unhealthy way. I am not saying that it is ok to ignore it, or avoid it. If your children have questions it is very important to answer their questions to the best of your ability, and to listen to what they have to say. But if your children don't have any feelings about it, or anything to say about it, or if they don't even know about it, that is ok too.
Last Friday when this horrible story was unfolding, I asked my 10 year old son if he had heard about it. He had not, because there was a big fight at his school that day. It was so large that the police were called to the school. He had his own day with his own events that happened which were, much like they always are, completely removed from my daily experience. I briefly told him what had happened. He is 10, so his level of understanding is pretty high. I told him that there was another shooting, and that a lot of children had passed away. I told him, as I always do when difficult situations arise, that if he had any questions or concerns he could come to me. Which he does because I have already fostered an environment of open communication in my household. And that's it. We haven't said another thing about it. And there is nothing wrong with that.
For each child it is going to be different. There is no one way to do anything when it comes to raising kids. But each child is going to process information and react to it differently based on their age, personality, and maturity level. The key is to be in tune enough with your children to know where they are in these things. For example, my son is 10, but he is a mature 10. He has always had an innate understanding of certain things. I know that he could handle a little more information about a difficult subject than some other 10 year olds. I know that if I had to talk to him about something like this, we would have had an open and honest conversation.
But in this, I also have to keep in mind that he is 10. He is at a stage in his development that is naturally very self centered. It has been hard to watch my conscientious little boy turn into a self centered pre-teen, but it is natural. He has approached a stage in his development where he is making the first of many attempts to figure out his identity. He is figuring out who he is, and where he fits in the world. As much as it annoys me, right now his life is all about him. He is not going to care so much about some tragedy that happened to people he does not know in a place where he has never been. And that is ok. It is a part of normative development.
Perhaps one day when he is a little older, he will hear about it again, and then he will have some questions. When he reaches a different stage of development where his perception opens up to the world outside himself, he may want to talk about it. He may not.
But I think what is most important is not how you react to specific situations when it comes to your kids, but how you set the stage on a daily basis. I did not feel a lot of anxiety about how to speak to my son because I am already confident that I have set the stage for open and honest conversations no matter what the situation.
Just remember, there is no such thing as a perfect parent. We have things that we remember about our own childhoods in which our parents might have made some bad choices, and our children will have those same kinds of memories. What is most important for kids is that they know they are loved, supported, and protected.
What is a Type A Underachiever?
It takes me a long time to name things. Whenever I am confronted with something like naming a blog, it takes me days to come up with something, and more times that not, it's not something I like. It's usually just coming up with something so that I can move on with the process. Unfortunately, for many blog sites once you have picked your name you are stuck with it until the end of time.
So why this one this time? What exactly is a "Type A Underachiever"? Well, it's what I am. In many ways I have what would be called a "type A" personality. I am very particular. I am based in routine from the way I run my days to what I watch on television and when. I don't consider myself OC (obsessive compulsive) about anything. But if things aren't to my preference I have an issue. I hold myself to very high standards. Failure is not an option. I will often go the extra mile to research and learn. I don't say anything without knowing for a fact what I am talking about. By all accounts I should be an overachiever.
The kicker is, that I am not. With all these overachieving tendencies, what have I actually accomplished in my life? Absolutely nothing. I am 35 years old with no career. I have just gotten around to getting an education, which my "type A" tendencies have really helped me be successful with, but I have not actually accomplished anything. I have all the motivation to do great things. Some days I think that I am destined to do great things. But something always gets lost along the way, and all that great motivation ends up in a whole lot of nothing. I have an unsuccessful blog, and an unsuccessful photography page. I have a desire to be highly organized, but lack the ability to be organized at all. The fact is that, for someone who has the personality traits that typically lead to great success, I have not actually succeeded at anything.
So why is this? What gets lost along the way, and how do I find it? Do I have a fear of success, or do I simply lack the ability to succeed? What is the difference between those who go out and actually do great things, and the people like me who never quite get it together?
Stories of a Type A Underachiever will spend a lot of time examining this in an effort to help myself, and others like me to unlock the secrets to not just daydreaming of success, but actually making it happen.
So why this one this time? What exactly is a "Type A Underachiever"? Well, it's what I am. In many ways I have what would be called a "type A" personality. I am very particular. I am based in routine from the way I run my days to what I watch on television and when. I don't consider myself OC (obsessive compulsive) about anything. But if things aren't to my preference I have an issue. I hold myself to very high standards. Failure is not an option. I will often go the extra mile to research and learn. I don't say anything without knowing for a fact what I am talking about. By all accounts I should be an overachiever.
The kicker is, that I am not. With all these overachieving tendencies, what have I actually accomplished in my life? Absolutely nothing. I am 35 years old with no career. I have just gotten around to getting an education, which my "type A" tendencies have really helped me be successful with, but I have not actually accomplished anything. I have all the motivation to do great things. Some days I think that I am destined to do great things. But something always gets lost along the way, and all that great motivation ends up in a whole lot of nothing. I have an unsuccessful blog, and an unsuccessful photography page. I have a desire to be highly organized, but lack the ability to be organized at all. The fact is that, for someone who has the personality traits that typically lead to great success, I have not actually succeeded at anything.
So why is this? What gets lost along the way, and how do I find it? Do I have a fear of success, or do I simply lack the ability to succeed? What is the difference between those who go out and actually do great things, and the people like me who never quite get it together?
Stories of a Type A Underachiever will spend a lot of time examining this in an effort to help myself, and others like me to unlock the secrets to not just daydreaming of success, but actually making it happen.
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Introductions
I have another blog. It's on Wordpress. But it wasn't really going anywhere. It's not like I ever expected to actually make a paycheck, or a name for myself through blogging, but when you write something publicly the intention is for people to read it. Well, no one was reading it. After a year or so with one lone subscriber I decided to give the blog thing one more shot here. If it doesn't work this time, I give up.
I'm not the best writer in the world, but I do consider myself somewhat of a craftsman of words. I have ways to make them do what I want them to, most of the time anyway. Writing is one of my gifts, and I have always believed that if you have a gift you need to share it.
I share because I feel like as humans, there's not a whole lot I am going to say that you are not going to be able to relate to. We all share a collective bank of feelings, and even if the same thing that makes me feel a certain way does not have that effect on you, you are still going to know what it's like to feel the way I do. Life seems to want to make us forget this. We get so wrapped up in our own little bubbles that we have built around ourselves and we start to think that we are the only ones who understand. We are the only ones who feel precisely how we do.
I share because you never know when someone is going to be sitting out there in cyberspace feeling alone, and how much it means in that moment when you see something someone else put out there, realize you aren't.
I'm not the best writer in the world, but I do consider myself somewhat of a craftsman of words. I have ways to make them do what I want them to, most of the time anyway. Writing is one of my gifts, and I have always believed that if you have a gift you need to share it.
I share because I feel like as humans, there's not a whole lot I am going to say that you are not going to be able to relate to. We all share a collective bank of feelings, and even if the same thing that makes me feel a certain way does not have that effect on you, you are still going to know what it's like to feel the way I do. Life seems to want to make us forget this. We get so wrapped up in our own little bubbles that we have built around ourselves and we start to think that we are the only ones who understand. We are the only ones who feel precisely how we do.
I share because you never know when someone is going to be sitting out there in cyberspace feeling alone, and how much it means in that moment when you see something someone else put out there, realize you aren't.
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